Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This one was hard, not because I'm wracked with guilt over so many things, I mean I tend to be a guilty nervous person, but the feelings fade so fast I am usually left feeling guilty about few things. The few things I do feel guilty about are things I don't really fell like discussing right now. Then there is this.
I feel like I set you up for failure. We started out not knowing how different we were and then when it became apparent that we were, and that I had the advantage, it hurt me deeply. I wanted to be like you. I used to study your movements and try to be like you. I never could. You were sweeter, and more giving than me. You still are. You spoke softly, smiled lightly and moved like a little fairy. You still do. But your eyes were sad. They still are. I wanted to elevate you, the thought of you continuing life in that way hurt me deeply.

I loved you, tried to make you feel better, tried to tell you how to grow, tried to show you how. I lived my life like I was your personal role model. I was 13. I did well in school, you dropped out. You were trashed at parties way before I stopped saying no. I slept with few people. You slept with random people you met at laundromats. I went to college, you almost fainted when I dragged you to the admissions office.

I got a job, a degree, a house, a family. You got a family. Kids, and a fucked up series of fucked up relationships. I found you jobs, managed your bills, took care of the kids. Defended you, tried to shelter you, worshiped you.

And then you left.

And what I realized is that, all the things I was trying to do for you, probably just served as a reminder that you were not achieving what I was. Which probably made you feel like a failure. I started remembering times I had lectured you about your choices, the times I should have just held you and told you it was ok. It is ok that you do not have my life, who is to say that mine is really any better than yours. Expecting you to succeed in the ways I have is so arrogant and pointless. For all your issues, you had never judged me. Hell, you never even told me I was being a bitch. Which I was.

I do know that all I wanted was a happy heathy life for you.  But I wanted it with me, near me.  So I could be near you.  And when it didn't work out that way I got angry.  With all I had, I never really expressed that kind of unconditional love. Which is so sad, because it always was.

So what I have to forgive myself for is being to young to know how to be right for you until now.  Sorry.