Men should have to have ball bras.

I hate buying bras. I usually get the same one from Victoria's Secrets. It's too small, and kinda gives me three and a half boobs, but it doesn't itch. And it doesn't make me look like I've given up on sex. But I am down to just one red one, and a black one, plus a strapless. Which is something no large breasted woman should wear regularly.


So off to Vicky's I head. "Sorry, ma'm, we don't carry THAT size in the store anymore. Try online." I trudge home. I try online. Backordered until November. I can't wait two months for a bra, especially one that doesn't really fit. So back to the stores i Head.

After hitting up every department store and plus size shop in the area, I stumble across a specialty boutique. She wraps me in tape and strips my top off, which was a lot of action for a Tuesday afternoon. Besides the cheap feel, she discovers I'm almost two full cup sizes bigger than the sad little size Vicky's no longer carries. What the fuck is a G? Oh, and although she carries THAT size, I have to order it. And wait.

Three. To. Six. Freaking. Weeks.

Well fine, it's not like they are going to get any smaller. Or bigger, god forbid. So I order the bra. Then I order three online. I pay extra to have them rushed to me. When the come, i get poked by wires, smashed down and pulled into my armpits. Defeat. Then the next weekend, after another week of three and a half breasts, I go out on the town again. SOMEONE has to have a bra for me right?

No.

But a skinny flat chested bitch asks me if I've ever considered reduction. She doesn't know it but she is REALLY lucky baby girl was with me. I politely inform her that my breasts are the only thing keeping my ass from looking silly, and move on. Another lady tells me that I should get a minimizer to help "tone them down". Um, fuck you too.

I go home and cry. Really. Cry. I feel fat and ugly and like a great big boobed freak of nature.

Then I took the next morning off work to go to an upscale place that keeps the same hours as I do. And she was lovely and had bras in my size. The first few had huge straps and thick backs and huge cleavage smashing and or hiding abilities. I ask, rather rudely I'm sure, if there isn't a bra out there that is made for a woman who still enjoys sex, and cleavage?

And then there was light.

Wacoal Wildly Flirtatious Full Figure Contour Bra 853144

Every bit as comfy and silky smooth as the Vicky's bras, but in a size that actually fits my breasts. Well the left one anyway. Silly right one. Ugh. But even that one is 99% in. And there are only two breasts. The way nature intended. Hooray. Comes in boring beige and black. Made up to a 38G. Oh and there is even a fair amount of cleavage. It will be my everyday bra.

Simone Perele Andora 3D Molded Bra 131343

When she handed this bra to me, I thought, yeah right. It’s ridiculously light, and tiny looking, and all the silly lace is WAY to girly for me, and my girls. And in truth, it is a tiny bit itchy, but not enough to deter me from the fantastic bit of sexy that this bra makes me feel like. The cup is an air filled soft foam cup. It hugs and supports, it feel like I am wearing nothing. I have cleavage. I have jiggle and sway. I feel like sex on a stick. I will be getting it in black and chocolate. I will wear this every time I have wine. Wearing this makes me feel like I had wine... Made in great colors, up to a 38 F, and a 40 E.  As an FYI, I needed to go down a band and cup size due to its stretchy nature.

So there you go big breasted friends of cleavage and sexiness. Buy them. You will love them. (and if not, don’t blame me) Oh, and if you know of other great bras in a G cup, I’d LOVE to hear about it. 

Oh and if you are smaller breasted, don’t be a bitch. My breasts are this size due to superior genetics, just like your cute ass is, or great skin, or whatever. And aren’t we all to busy hating on ourselves to spare time to hate on one another?

p.s.  If I ever get that first bra I ordered, I'll tell you all about it too.