Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself.

Well everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't I?  And by everyone I mean like three people whose blogs I read and love.  I know, my idea of everyone has a limited scope.  So for those of you who are not part of the everyone, the idea is that you publicly post 30 potentially embarrassing self revelations.  Why would I do that?  Emotional growth and humility.  And lets face it, I could use some of both.

So, Question 1.  Something you hate about yourself.

Hmm. . . . this should be easy.

I hate that I often expect the worst.
I hate that I can't take a compliment.
I hate that I am not happy with my body.
I hate that I usually don't feel connected to other human beings.
I hate that I do not present my true self to the general public. 
I hate that I lose my temper with my daughter.
I hate that I thrive in chaos.

Well, that was a productive 30 seconds.  Glad I'm so fond of me.

Lets focus on. . . the true self stuff.  I've mentioned most of those other things on here often enough.  And if not, I'm sure I will get around to it.  I love to dig in on myself.  

People think I am friendly and outgoing kind, and charming.  Really, they do.  If you have met me in person, you can probably vouch for that.  Unless I really don't care if you like me, you will.  And if I really want you to like me, you will adore me.  Not because I am truly a wonderful individual, but because I change my personality to suit you best.  If you need a friend who is brash and wild, I will be that friend.  Need a challenging intellectual discussion, I'm your woman.  How could you not adore someone who acts exactly the way you think they should, without seeming like a boring rehashed version of yourself?

But then I get bored because I am not growing at all, and reflecting you loses its challenge, and I lose interest in you and move on.  I have in all my adult years met maybe four people that I have actually been myself with at all times.  And it is scary and hard to maintain.  Hard not to give the answer they expect, hard to tell my true feelings.  Hard not to tell the same 10 stories that I tell everyone else.

I tell those stories because they are easy to relate, and makes it seem like I am revealing a personal part of me.  I'm not.  Although they may seem insightful or revealing or embarrassing to you, I assure you, they are nothing compared to the boatload of crazy I am keeping tucked inside.

Like what you ask?
Sometimes I am afraid to take a bath at night because I think and invisible suicide victim is going to stab me, ala 13 Ghosts.

I am painfully insecure and have a hard time believing I deserve the good things I have.

When I am sad, I need spicy food, and I twirl my hair and want to smell cinnamon.

And that is all, because some of you who read this know who I am, and I am not going to stop this bad habit over night.