any one wanna let me borrow their new born?

i took a test yesterday.  the pregnancy kind.  i take them all the time.  i should buy a company, it would be cheaper.  since baby girl was born i have always hoped for a negative, been relieved when it was.  danced and jumped quietly to myself when it was.  left the bathroom and hugged the husband, listened as his desire for a second child increased as our need to constantly care for baby girl decreased.  felt guilty for being happy, but have always been happy.

except the last test i took a few months ago.  i was a little sad.  i had started daydreaming about babies.  i romanticized our first two years with baby girl in a way only time away from an event can allow.  i glossed over the sleepless nights, the sore body, the angst, the drama.  i remembered tiny fingers around mine, soft skin and sweet smiles.

then last night i knew i wasn't. and i'm not. again.  but this time there was no dancing.  i slunk into the bathtub and felt sad.  the husband came in a sat with me.  he is patiently waiting for me to change my mind.  to say yes to another child.  but i don't.  i don't know if i will.

i have a small two bedroom house, which i don't want to leave.
i work so much.
our quality of life would change.
baby sitters would be harder to find.
the age difference would be so great between them.
life is so easy now.
i don't want to go through those kind of changes again.
i didn't want sex for almost 2 years after wards but i did it anyway which meant 2 years of awkward sex.
i am not that patient.
another dinner to make, bath to get, cold to nurse, teeth to brush, questions to answer, voice to listen to.

it took so long and so many people to get baby girl, i don't know if how much my reasons for saying no have to do with not wanting to go through all that again.  the blood work, the indignity, the disappointment.  the being made to feel like less of a woman.

but i do love children.