'Cause I can't say this to your face.

I’m having a shitty day again. You keep resurfacing, and it’s like a knife each time. There are memories of you everywhere and even when I think I’m doing okay, great even, one little reminder sends me back to that dark place. Then I need you again, not that I ever really stopped, or ever really expect to either.

I should have known it couldn’t last, but really, I didn’t see it ending this way. So fast. One day there was a little unnamable ache and the next . . . nothing. And no way to get it back. And I didn’t even get so say goodbye. Not really. And there can be no closure. It all falls on deaf ears anyway.

And look at what I’ve done because of it all. It makes me sick, what I almost lost because I cannot let go of what I cannot have. What I had with you was incredible, magic really. I learned so much, about what I wanted from life, what I could do, my good and my bad were reflected and accepted by you. It’s hard to lose that. I think that’s why I fought so hard to keep it, even though it was ruining everything else.

But my days are getting better, the nights are getting easier. I know I will always love you, always miss you. I have regrets, I wonder what would have happened if I had done things differently, been a better person. But I didn’t, and there is no going back. Maybe if we meet in the next life I will be wiser. In this life though, we have made our choices, and had them made for us. I hope you know I never meant to hurt you. I hope you know you are loved and respected. I hope you find happiness. I am finding mine. I am hopeful. I am light.

So, goodbye.