I just can't get this out of my head

There is a place I love to go to see Christmas decorations. It's just one little house, a visual and auditory assault of all that is tacky and garish about the season. Tiny little magnetic ice skaters, Snoopy in a Santa suit, huge inflatables, trains, handmade dioramas and cases of thematic wonder, and loud holiday music coming from every corner. A retired couple, bundled against the cold, hands out candy canes and talks sweetly to the children that lean over the fence.

The lady told me her decorations are stored in closets and under beds and hanging from the rafters in the garage. That she loves bumping into them throughout the year. They are like the children, full of joy and wonder and just so happy to be taking part in the season. They start my holiday. They are not there this year. There is just a sign. "Happy Holidays. Thank you for the memories Jon"

So I think that little old retired lady is in that house all buy herself, with no one to celebrate the holiday with. She is milling around there, bumping into those happy memories and he is gone. If I were her I think I would be to sad to put them out this year too. I don't know what she will do next year, burn them, move away, put them out, who knows. Just thinking about it makes my heart ache for her.

I would like to say that I am the type of woman to honor a memory once the one I loved has gone, but I think that kind of pain is to much for me. That look they had last year, so cheeky and cute, its just so wrong to think that it is over. That she is sad and he is gone.

Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Shall we get all sociological on this and discuss the idea that all forms of organized systems stem from a desire to standardize human behavior, create order and control, and are embraced by those who need a sense of belonging and comfort? No, didn't think so.

Ok, so fine. Well, I refuse to talk about politics. Actually I refuse to even pay enough attention to politics to form more than a passing opinion on more than a handful of issues. So, we are screwed here.

Um. . . How about the fact that a disturbing amount of theology, mythology and folklore share common themes? Creationism, sky people, sacrifice and punishment, etc. . . So is that because they are reality, or because we recreate religions based on ones that came before? Or because our fears are universal and we constantly seek to create explanations for things we do not understand? Or . . or. . ugh. How the hell do I know?

I am relatively intelligent. Smart enough to know that I sure as hell don't have all the answers. Which makes me smarter than a vast majority of believers and non-believers. Still I have no idea of there is a god, or a pantheon of deities, or if the big bang was all just some fantastic cosmic accident.

What I do know is that the concept of a higher power should be a source of unification and peaceful interactions, not one of divisiveness and conflict. I mean if there is a higher power, he/she/it/they are like our parents, and all parents want the best for their children. They do not want us killing one another over material objects or who understands their parents best.

Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.

I stole this from MissGrace.  See?  I just had to have it on my own blog.  It's ok, she loves me.  Hmm, how topical.

See here it is, Readers Digest style. Even though the States were founded by people who sought a more repressive lifestyle, we are supposed to be guaranteed a separation of church and state. That means God and religion aren't allowed to interfere with our laws. So love your Adam and Eve God, that's cool, just don't make laws based on it. Bless you.

Oh, and you think gay sex is unnatural? Don't attempt it. As a part time member of the gay community, we don't mind. We really aren't all that interested in you anyway. I myself don't like oranges, they kinda make me sick actually, but I don't see that it is any of my business to stop you from eating them. See where I'm going with this? Good.

Before you start slinging that 'think of the children' bullshit, let me tell you that if you stop trying to convince everyone that gay families are unnatural, all children would be better off. Even your own. No one benefits from hate. All children benefit from living in a loving home. Plus you do know that gay is not the same as nympho, it's not all whips and chains at the dinner table. Gay people are like normal people, they just have an even number of sex organs.

Oh, and marriage means something to society, it means stability, commitment, a recognition as a family unit. It offers security, shared parental rights and obligations, it means family to most people in love. You have no right to deny that to anyone, no matter what you believe.

Where I have been . . .

1. Work.  Blech.  Busy season, no rest, no time, no problem.

2. Family.  OMG, could my kid get any sweeter? 

3. More family.  Poor little first born.  Another request to live with us again, denied.  Silly ex.  Ugh.

4. Sleep.

5. Fable 3.  A brand new hero, a loverly dog named Ivan, a beautiful lake and easy quests to pass the time.  My next character is going to be a lesbian and adopt 20 kids.

I'll be back later, you will miss me.  I will miss you.

Day 17 - A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Raising Your Spirited Child.  If you have a child, ever will, know a random child, or ever were one, buy it, read it. Buy the workbook. Do it, use it. Work the idea into your life, the words into your vocabulary. Every child you come in contact with will be better off for it. So will you.


p.s. I HATE self help things and sad books that make you feel like shit. This one is funny and full of real information that actual strategies to help you become the wonderful compassionate, understanding person I think you should be.

You are welcome.

Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.

My mothers nagging voice that has somehow morphed into my own. It tells me that I am not trying hard enough, working long enough, that there is no time to rest, that I could be doing better. It stops me from having fun, from relaxing and taking the moments as they come.

Frankly I am tired of it.

I fear that my child will grow up and I will have missed it, that my mother and father will die and that I will have been to busy working to have spent enough time with them. I fear that I will find my self an old lonely woman who finally is able to see that all that I am doing now is a great big waste.

Then I calm my ass down and remember that we all HAVE to work to live and that I am not a horrid person and that the nagging voice telling me I will regret my life is STILL my freaking mother. Only now she is telling me these things in person, because I think she has reached that conclusion in her own life.

That makes me sad for her.

But she is not me. I see me daughter more than most working mothers, and we have a great relationship. My father will be distant no matter how often I see him, and my mother doesn't work, if she really wants to make good on our relationship, she can come see me too. And I have hobbies and I goof off. And really, who can honestly say they enjoy every moment anyway?

Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it

The ex?  Hmm.  Yeah.  Lets talk about the ex.  Or the first born.

Without them I am less.  There is an empty space, a tangible ache.  It makes me restless and numb and sad.  I will take whatever I can get in the form of a relationship because even the most one sided irregular friendship is better than nothing at all.



Oh.  Ok.  Poor horse. 

Day 14 - Write a letter to a hero that has let you down.

Dear dad. . .
Sorry, it is cliché, but it is true. You were my calm, my peaceful bit of sanity in a loud and crazy life. You broke my heart when you could not handle me becoming a young woman, full of my own crazy. I thought I would never lose that closeness, but I did. You were the adult and you should have worked harder to stay connected to me. I know it is hard; I have a teenager now who looks at me like I looked at you.

The responsibility is ridiculous, the miles and months apart make it near impossible. I understand. I no longer judge, because I see you as a full grown adult now. And as a full grown adult, I can say, you let me down. I still love you though. 

I just hope I do a better job than you.

Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.

I feel all, "Oh mom, do I have to?", about this. I love music. LOVE. I couldn't tell you most artists I like, or the songs I like, but I hear it on the radio, or Pandora, or a car driving by, and it slides me into a mood. A song makes me happy, mellows me out, gets me pumped, allows me to be sad, gives me hope and reminds me that I am not alone.

As for "tough ass days", I've had a few, and I latch onto a band. I listen to the album, I replay a song over and over. I pour all my ugly feelings and misery into the rhythm, the lyrics become my mantra. Then I start to feel better. Then I find a happy band or a happy song, and I move on. A few months, years or decades later I hear the song and that melancholy washes over me again.

I tend not to look back. Who wants to experience old depression when there is fresh new depression to enjoy?

Songs that strike a cord with me are bittersweet. They recognize the sadness but hope for a better tomorrow. They are honest about the ugly in us all, but don't assume it will be our ruination. I grew up southern baptist, that probably has a great deal to do with it.

To this day, my favorite song of all time is Amazing Grace. It makes me ache, lifts me up and makes me feel all clean inside.  One of the best moments in violin was when I learned to play this song. Badly. Oh well. Here. Listen to this version. 'Cause nothing sells a white slave owners song written to a african sorrow chant like an Asian guy who sounds like a blonde chick. Enjoy.



p.s.  I truly did try to find a perfect version to post, but they are all so chock full of vibrato and silliness, nothing like the pure melody that i hear in my head.

Why you will win if we play scrabble.

Well.  I can't spell.  Even with the entire alphabet at my disposal.  Let alone only 7 letters.  Or four in this case. 

Unless I can use words in Hawaiian maybe. Even then it doesn't look good.

 

Oh, for the love of consonants. (Although if there was an H, I could spell "I O U a HUG". I don't think that is allowed in traditional Scrabble though.

Not only a low scoring word, but also indicitave of the direction my game is heading.



Again, not allowed in competition Scrabble, but great for my not so inner geek. For those not in the know, the Borg are characters in Star Trek. They are cybernetic organisms who seek to ad to their own perfection by assimilating other races into their collective. They were first seen in Star Trek: The Next Generation, but became widely known when Jeri Ryan made her smoking hot debut as Seven of Nine in Star Trek: Voyager. For those of you who have tuned out or are picturing me with a pocket protector, just substitute the G for the E and you are covered too.