Despite my best intentions to not turn this blog into a pathetic bitch feast, it is. I’m just sad, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be, but there is little to do for it. And tonight I am also a bit drunk, which makes me forget all the reasons I have to be happy. So here we go for the sad reasons. The baby is 5. 5 people. WTF?. . . . I did not, do not approve. I cannot. So there. It took me 3 years to get her. It took me a team of experts. It broke my spirit, it wreaked my heart, it stripped my sanity. But I got her, and she should have stayed little. I know she is wonderful and kind and better than I could have ever hoped, but she is 5. And that is just wrong.
Also, the ex is sad. Lonely and sad and I am not able to help. Not going to help. Just nodding and talking, but not going to rescue. Wanting to rescue, but not going to. She is also wonderful and kind, but she is not mine. I have my own life and I have to make it work. She is now just a good friend. And that is better than what I had last year. So it will do.
And the job is good. But it is restrictive. And I want more freedom. Days at the park, before the 5 year old is too old to care. Before I have lost my chance to be a good mom. Before she wants nothing to do with me.
I shouldn’t drink really. It just doesn’t mix.
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