It's Emo Sad Pants time (Thank You Grace)

So on Saturday, which sucked for so many reasons, I instant messaged my dad.  His profile immediately switched to offline.  I'm not a suspicious person and I don't usually yell at my dad, but this is the 4th time in 2 months that this has happened.  So I get pissed and text, "Did you really just switch offline when i came on?" No response.  Fine.

Today I get a call at the shop.  "Charlie?"

Yes?  "Charlie (insert maiden name here)?"

And then I recognized the voice.  Soft and slow, with a warm touch of southern drawl.  My dad.

I love that man.  I know that sounds normal, but I've only spoken to him a dozen times in the past decade, and I haven't seen him since I graduated High School.  He is kind and gentle and intelligent.  He is cold and distant and hard to know.  My mom says that when they were married she suppressed urges to put a mirror under his nose to see if he was still breathing.  She is all passion and drive.

More on all that another time.

He says that he is sorry he logged out, but that he had to go get a prescription.  For heart meds.  Because 2 months ago he had a quadruple bypass.  Instantly I am cold and numb.  I don't know what to do or feel or say.  If it was my mom I would call her honey, ask if she was ok.  If she laughed and said she was fine in a wispy way I would know she was lying, If she said, she felt like shit I would know she was fine.  I would cry, because I love her and we are friends.  I would go to her.  We would console each other.

With him, I just don't know.  I ask why he didn't tell me.  He says he didn't want to bother me.  I tell him he's not a bother, that he is family.  He has no response to that.  His parents died when he was a child and he and his siblings were placed in an orphanage.  The older bother was picked up by an uncle because he could help on the farm, the little sister was picked up by an aunt because she was small and cute.  He was left.  For years.  Then when he finally did get a home, he fell in love with his high school sweetheart and they were going to marry after graduation.  He got into a car accident on prom night and she died.  He never meant to marry my mom, or to have a child.  

So he never wanted me, but he had me, he married her and he did the best he could.  After us, he never went on to be a happy soccer dad for another family.  He knew he had little to offer, but he made the best of the life she thrust on him.  As a child it was not enough.  Even as an adult it is hard. Again, we'll get into that another time.

I've always felt like we could take it slowly, form a relationship now that I was self sufficient and had a cold easy side that he could relate to.  I'm sure my turbulent teenage years were terrifying to a man who dealt so poorly with emotions.  But now I think that time is slipping.  They have to put a stint in later this month, and he is still smoking, although he's down to a pack a week.  I just have a bad feeling.

Losing someone is hard enough when you can look back on all the love and memories, but we have so much distance.  Does he know I understand, that I don't blame him, that I respect the efforts he made? Does he know how much of him I carry with me?  Could he even pick me out of a crowd?

He's two states away now, and I'm going to have to close shop to see him.  I want to take my daughter, I want him to see her.  I want to keep trying, even though its always been an effort in futility. I mean how many days can a person talk about the weather, gas prices and what they did last week?  Truly open conversations are beyond him.  It took him 7 years to tell his current wife that he loved her. He didn't even come to my wedding.  Still, I know I'm going to go.  I may be cold and compartmentalized like him, but I have my moms passion and drive.