The husband works nights, so he almost never gets up with baby girl. Which sucks, but is understandable. So this Sunday, Mothers Day, he got up with her so I could sleep in. The ex texted "Happy Mother's Day" to me around 9, but still the extra 30 - 45 minutes was nice. (bad ex)
The bed was cold and strangely empty so I got up. He was wedged into the couch, all uncomfortable looking, but asleep. Baby girl was curled up next to him watching Bob the Builder. I figured he was way to beat to make me the promised breakfast in bed, so I got him off the couch to tuck him back into bed, so he wouldn't be sore and cranky all day.. I figure I'll take baby girl to our favorite little coffee/breakfast nook and maybe shop a little before we wake him up again.
As I'm getting dressed he says it looks like I'm losing weight. I tell him he ALWAYS says that, because he knows I want to and he wants me to be happy. He insists I am. I laugh and say, well that's fine, but I'll probably just find it again. He says. . . wait for it. . . "Maybe you should stop looking for it at the bottom of a Nutella jar."
After that there was stunned silence, on both our part. Then some truly heartfelt grief, also on both our parts. I was so angry I cried, he tried to hold me, it was a mess. We talked about it throughout the day, not a great way to spend Mothers Day, but it IS just a day after all.
I know he didn't mean it really, and he was half awake. We joke and sometimes say snide little things, but he has never said anything like that. The part that hurts is that I am an emotional eater. And this past year has been very emotional. So I have put on weight. And I did just discover Nutella, which is so oh-my-fucking-god-fantastically-magical.
But i always feel like people look at me and think, "Wow, she'd be so much prettier if she could just lose that last 20 pounds." and that I sit around eating unhealthy foods all day, which is so far from the truth that is it ridiculous.
He ended up going to the coffee place with us, otherwise I would had stewed all morning. I shrunk into the corner. I didn't want to eat. I felt all my flaws. I was awful. He felt like shit, I could see it. I did end up eating, I mean lets not be stupid right? And today is a little better, but yeah. I'm still hurt. I still feel bad.
Today he said he hated that one comment could mess things up, and he's right. But it does. At least for a day or so. I don't think I'll hold that comment in my head. It is to ugly and mean, and I don't want to go down that road.
No comments:
Post a Comment