The bags are mostly packed, tomorrow is the day. Going to see my dad after 15 years. I've been trying to remember all the good. Things are hard, he is so distant and I am used to warm and easy camaraderie. But he is my dad, and he is a good man. And I love him. And love is forever.
He thinks anything I do is good enough as long as I try my best. That success is measured by effort, not by outcome.
He thinks I make good gravy.
He thinks people should write about what they know.
He made his girlfriend quit her job to look after me when I was a child.
He knew I wouldn't end up a teenage pregnancy.
He always walked on the side closest to the curb because he was bigger and cars would see him first. I do the same with my daughter.
He took me to breakfast every Sunday while they were together and bought me a My Little Pony afterwards.
He is the reason I got to sleep in my parents bed until I was 7.
He rented little girls bedroom furniture for the summer so I would have a special place to stay.
The closets were always full of clothes when I got there, and then as I got older there was cash and cards to buy whatever I liked. Mom says it was in lieu of child support, but the point was that they were brands and styles I wanted, not what she said I could have.
He couldn't have me for a year because he was out of work and had no place for me. He drank a lot, locked himself in the bathroom and cried for me. He quit drinking soon after that.
He spoke softly, gently.
He listened when I talked.
I wanted to live with him when I was a child. I often did not want to go home to the crazy that was my house. He tried to keep me once and my mom flew all the way out to get me. Freshman year I asked to go live with him. He had to send my back because he did not have custodial rights.
There were always biscuits in the house when I came to stay with him. He would let me eat a whole container if I wanted to.
He told me WHY things were, he never passed my questions off.
He never spoke ill of my mom.
He only made a few passing comments on the man she was with, the man who raised me, saw me every day. None of them were mean, or dishonest. That must have been hard.
He said he will smoke outside while we are there. That he's not sure what we will want to eat, but that we can use his kitchen. He called twice to tell me about the weather, and that he has a washing machine. He said he still has my monopoly game but not much else for the baby girl to do. He said he is not as active as he was. I think he is nervous too. Which means he wants me to have a good visit. That he still loves me.
Thats nice. Suddenly I am looking forward to this visit, and sorry for the time I have missed. I just hope we can get to an easy place. I hope he doesn't die.
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