Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I would like to live my life without unnecessary highs and lows.   I often blow everything so far out of proportion that you can't even see reality from where I end up.  For instance, a slow day at work means that the business is failing and that everyone is shopping at my competitors, talking about what a waste of real estate my shop is.  We have a good sales day and I am the best shop in the whole world and everyone should want to be me.  Often these two days happen right on top of each other, which is a bit like a roller coaster, but with less funnel cake and more nausea.

It is hard to live that way, it's a bit manic depressive, but since I'm not, there is no great support group or medication.  Not that I want that.  I just want to take things in stride.  I am trying.  It's a conscious decision thingy, and those are very hard to make work.  The huge amounts of caffeine I imbibe and constant attempts to curb my carb intake do not help.  If you have not experienced a caffeine crash on a low carb diet, you should try it.  It's fun.  Like a root canal.

I must have been like this as a child, my mom is ingrained to tell me to calm down, to keep perspective.  It helps.  I just need to internalize that advice.  To calm myself down.  The hard part is that the highs are kinda fun.  It makes normal life seem so boring and sedate.  The problem is the lows.  They suck.  Hard.  Like I am empty and worthless and have nothing to offer.  Come to think of it, the highs kinda suck too.  They wear me out.  They make me feel all stretched taut and tingly.  Which is not as fun as it sounds.

So on the whole, I could handle a bit more perspective.  It is supposed to come with age.  I think I should be there.  Maybe I am a late bloomer.

Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

If I got someone pregnant I would be a millionaire.  I would sell that story to Time.  Then the government would put me in a glass observation room for the rest of my freakish life.

If I got pregnant?  I don't know.  I have never thought about getting pregnant on accident. That is just not a real possibility in my world.  I would keep the baby.  The other two options are not options in my life.  I would be angry and sad over losing the life I have planned.  I would cry and hate what was going to happen to my body.  I only want to give birth to one child.  The only way I want to keep two is if the ex lets me have the first born.

I think though that a tiny, very stupid part of me would be happy.  Babies are wonderful, and I love being a mom.  Then, becasue self preservation and happiness are sorta important to me, I would nurture that tiny feeling until I became happy and excited about bringing another life into our family.  It wouldn't be the same though. 

Imagine the two kiddos comparing stories.  Girl child knows how hard we worked to have her, and how much we wanted her in our lives.  She also knows I don't want another baby.  I tell her she is all I could ever want and I don't see any reason to do it again.  That is a lot of back peddling.  Mommy changed her mind?  You just weren't enough anymore?   Ugh.  No thanks.

Day 27 - What’s the best thing going for you right now?

My innate ability to finish things in a timely manner.  Oh wait, no, thats not it, or I'd have wrapped up this 30 days of truth thing in something close to 30 days.

My outlook.  I am staying in the present, living consciously and working on letting go of all the things that I cannot control.  I am also actively taking control of the things I can, allowing myself to do so slowly.  I am not trying to solve everything at once.  I am enjoying my time.  I am positive.  It's nice for a change.

In some ways I am more of a spectator.  I am trying to control less, I am letting things happen, unfold around me with less input from me.  They are more or less proceeding better than I would have thought, and I have saved myself a great deal of stress and turmoil.  I other ways I am mush more of a participant.  It is amazing how much more time there is to do the things you love when you stop wasting it on all the things you hate.

Martha Stewart, eat your heart out

I saw these cute little guys on some random craft page, all done and cute and ready to go.  For 4 each.  No joke.  

We wanted 40 of them for girl child's Valentines.  Since I'm not to keen on spending 160 on little love notes for 5 and 6 year olds, we decided to make our own.  Here's how.  

Go to the fabric store.  Buy 6 inch cuts of your choice of felt colors.  Our felt was 72 inches wide, giving us 13-14 'cookies' per color.  Also buy floral wire, medium gauge and ribbon, about 1/4 inch wide.  If you do not have a hot glue gun, buy one of those two.  They are a white trash crafting essential.  Go home.

Trace a 5-6 inch circle in the felt.  We used a lid.  Cut out the felt.  Girl child did most of the cutting.  Cut the ribbon just shorter then the felt, cut the wire just shorter than the ribbon.  Seal the ribbon by passing the cut ends over a small flame for a second.  Make a small line of glue in the center of the circle.  While it is hot, press the wire into the glue.  Then quickly press the ribbon into the glue.

We put fortunes in ours.  Girl child typed 8 different ones, I copied them 'till we had enough and then she cut them out and signed them.  Put the fortune in the middle, on top of the wire.

Fold the circle in half, facing the flat edge towards you and then pinch to make a cookie.

Repeat.  For an eternity.  Or an hour or so.  It is actually not a difficult project.  Plus it is cute, and it is reusable.  I like to think of all girl child's classmates using these in their play kitchens.  Even if they throw them away, I was only out about 5.00 and two hours, which were spent chatting with my kiddo and having fun.

Proof the first born is awesome

me- what you wanna do for your b-day
f.b.- idk... maybe just hang out... u no
me- np
f.b.- ya... just nothin boring
me- well you are almost 14.  im not sure i can be quite that exciting.  i mean im too old to tp a house with
f.b. - naaaw.  llol
me- you wanna do something?  like dinner or bowling or knocking over a liquor store?
f.b.- the last two? girl child likes to bowl still ryte
me- we can totally bowl, but im not sure shes up for knocking over liquor stores
f.b.- nah idts.  lol then the first two
me- maybe she can be the getaway driver
f.b.- totally
me- on her trike.  sweeeeet
f.b.- i call shot gun
me- where is shot gun on a trike?
f.b.- uhm.... does hers have the little basket on the back
me- nope. . . . it doesn't even have pedals or a chain anymore
f.b.- ooo
me- yeah, its gonna be rough
f.b.- i guess we'll walk?
me- hmm.  but hey, its your b-day
f.b.- totally...wait i should get to drive the trike 
me- well then whose gonna do the knocking over 
f.b.- ...ill get off to help 
me- good plan 
f.b.- yep~! 
me- but whose gonna keep the trike running  
f.b.- uhm........ill push it  
me- it's good to think these things out in advance 
f.b.- for sure

Being happy about this does not make me a horrible person.

The ex has dumped her husband, again. Which makes me so very happy, again. He is an ass, an idiot and a loser. I hate him. I always have. He is the first borns supposed father and I cannot even begin to describe all the ways he is not good enough for her, or the ex or air really.

She is laughing though. She is glad, she is empowered. He hit her when they were together the first time. No one should hit a woman. I tried to beat him but the husband pulled me off him. He wasn't strong enough to stop me, but the husband was. Sad for us all. After that I wasn't really allowed in the same zip code as him. He avoided me like the plague, he drove the ex and I apart with hateful words and petty drama.

I understood the whole living straight thing, that's my life too, but I was able to maintain my life and still make room for her. So now he is gone, and she is on the phone more, laughing and sounding more at peace than I have heard her in years. Which makes my heart light. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but even with all its pitfalls, I am optimistic for my estranged family.

Oh, and the first born, my emo-punk rock girl, bought a dress. One she liked all on her own. It has a big bow. I love her. I am also so looking forward to taking her shopping. "Cause did I tell you? The ex is sending her to me for spring break. Of her own volition. Over her birthday.

Did you hear that, I get the first born for her birthday. Let's all dance.