I have mixed feeling about this

I am not just talking about the quality of the picture either. If you want better pics, buy me a good camera that can email shit. Until then I will probably just continue to rock my shitty camera phone. Sorry.

The item up for consideration is the ring itself. Specifically the band on the top. It was a gift for our 10th wedding anniversary. It fits my wedding ring profile and my finger perfectly. It fits me, it came from an antique shop, because I cannot stomach the diamond mining industry, but I still want the real thing. It is perfect and lovely and I have wanted one since we were married.

Not that I didn't want my wedding set. I picked it out. I loved it. I still do. I just wanted a band for our 10th. Like an achievement. I am a gamer, I like achievements. Maybe I just knew it would be hard to get here. And it was. Which is part of what makes me feel off about the ring. Like I didn't earn it. Cheaters don't get achievements. It is so 'everything i ever could have wanted' and I know I have not been the fantasy wife.

So there is that.

Also, when the husband gave it to me he was really happy. Not just because I loved it, but because he said he wouldn't be embarrassed when I showed my ring to people. That makes me sad. He says the size bothers him, and I know men stress about size but really, in a diamond? Isn't that the womans job?

My wedding set is the one thing about me and mine that I have never questioned. I hate tacky displays of possession and truly feel a wedding set is a sign of love, not of wealth. I don't care that the stones are smaller than many women want. I am not many woman, and I could give a flying fig less about how many months salary a ring cost. So that brings me to the other issue. I don't want people to think I wanted this ring because I was ashamed of my wedding set.

But I still want to show off my anniversary ring. Cause its pretty and even though I'm relatively grounded, I'm still a girl and I do love shiny things. And we made it. And that feels good. So if I show you my ring, I'm not bragging about the ring. Just the marriage. Glad we cleared that up.

Do you know this guy? (meant in a very humble, non-bragging way)

I never tire of these pictures

Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

yes.
because i was not strong enough to deal with the level of loneliness and pain i was feeling.
then i remembered i am not to sure what happens after death and found other ways to deal with that pain.
then that hurt me even more.
then i opened up to even more pain.
then i got better.
the end.

Day 25 - The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

luck, skill, general fear of doing things stupid enough to kill me. luck. insanely good driving skills. luck.

my mom says everything happens for a reason. so if i am alive then there must be a reason. we are not meant to simply clutter the planet. so why am i here, in the existential sense? i have no idea.

to be a good mom?

to learn, to grow. to make my corner of the world better. to contribute my own ideas and dna to the global soup?

to prevent wine and coffee from taking over our planet?

yeah. i got nothin'

Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

the list is short because i actually expect you all to listen to the songs. see how demanding i am? besides, i am working with a very specific lesson here

Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) - because you will listen to good advice if it is set to a quirky beat


Always Look On The Bright Side of Life - keep things in perspective.


Be - know that I will love you no matter what you do, so please be true to yourself.


Little Wonders - the small things make life good. anything is possible if you can stop trying to make others bend to your will.


to the first born, who i worry about more than anyone. also works for the girl child, the ex, for you, for me.

Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.

Hey, um. . . I'm not exactly dead or anything and I would really like to think that I can still do anything I want to in my life. Which I can, as long as I have a strong body and a bit of self reliance, which I do. So yeah.

Other than that. Maybe these few things.

• Kissed that girl at the club. It wouldn't have lead to anything but it would have been fun.
• Punched my ex's husband. He is an ass and deserves it.
• Got the license plate of that woman who did not deserve to be a mom.
• Realized my dad really did love me before this year.
• Been more open before now.
• Told my step dad how much I loved him before he died.

 

 

 

 

 

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Join me inside my head for a moment to see what trying to write this post has been like.

Me: How about the time we. .
me: yeah, totally dangerous, but so much fun

Me: What about the time we . .
me: well that wasn't fun but look at all we learned from that

Me: There was that incident with the. .
me: i agree, but we never would have made it through without trying it

Me:  That time at the. .
me: totally embarrassing, but we need more humility anyway

Me: And the. .
me: learning experience

Me: Well . . .
me: personal growth

Me: . . . .
me: thats right.

Everything in life is a culmination, a process of getting you to where you are today. For me, my today is generally better than yesterday and tomorrow looks even better.  Anything else other than the choices I have made and I would not be me.  And gosh darnit, people like me.

Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Yeah, stupid question. Unless you are a total bitch. I myself am only a partial bitch. So, who cares about that fight, I don't even need a car accident to get me over it. A mild headache will suffice. I'm just not a holding a grudge kind of person.


Honestly, I want to meet the blogger who says, "Well she can sod off and die, teach her to steal my eyeliner." Ugh.  Oh have I ever told you that I have had a police report filed against me for allegedly stealing a wet and wild eyeliner from an estranged friend?  I know, it is sheer awesome.

Let's move on shall we?

Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Repeat after me. . . everything in moderation.

Well no, 'cause if the cooking process can blow up your house I just don't think it's a good idea at all. And teeth rot. . yuck. Oh and addiction and cycles of horrible choices that alienate you from people you love? I'll pass. Healthy happy people do not abuse things, or people, or anything really.

So you would think it makes more sense to focus on helping people grow to be happy and healthy instead of fucked up and desperate for any sense of belonging or pleasure. That would make sense though and that is not what we do here. Instead we should spend millions of dollars punishing people we abandoned as children. It's really great if we wait until they have fucked up their own children too, that way we can continue the cycle.

p.s. I was a wee bit drunk when I wrote this post. Consider it a scientific experiment. You are welcome.

and yet i keep getting out of bed.

So another fucking chicken was killed today, or rather last night but I found her today. Or what is left of her, which amounts to a pile of feathers, some blood and a foot. Fuck you raccoons. I have no desire to contribute to the whole circle of life bullshit, so stop eating my chickens. It makes me feel like utter shit that I can't keep those silly little empty headed cluckers safe. I have enough issues without your bullshit.

The holidays are seeming to make the customers extra stupid and rude and oh-my-god-why-cant-you-be-everything-to-me-at-all-times. If they were not giving me money I might have to beat them. I might still anyway. Some of them.

The businesses that lease space from me MAY be closing and or moving away and I MAY lose the rent, which means I MIGHT need to find money from somewhere to make it work. MAYBE. Maybe not. So fine either way I guess, but I am a planner and I don't work well on MAYBE. I need to know. MAYBE I'll just kick them all out and forge ahead. At least then I wont have to make unnecessary plans.

The stupid lessee's stupid husband asked me what made me think I was more qualified than him to determine the worth of a business. Hmm, how about the fact that mine has grown in a recession while he has been fired from jobs and has to close his failing business. Yeah, lets go with that. Oh and don't yell at me in my own shop. Thanks. Asshole.

I am extra tired of people telling me that I am not good looking enough to be with the husband. Not that I am ever really ok with it, but really people, fuck you. Worth is not a looks thing. It's about merit and besides, I am not fucking ugly you horrid people.

I closed the bars a few weeks ago. I was sober-ish, the ex husband of my now lesbian friend was not. I haven't seen him in almost a year. There was so much sad and hurt and empty in his conversation and it just ate at me. I miss you like crazy, and the holidays are making it worse. I'm ok though, despite my bitching, and I really hope you are too.

My friend is moving away, and I am tired of that. I hate it, being so close and then it is all long distance, and people drift and it is never that same, no matter how hard you try.

It just goes to show, you never can tell

So remember the sadness of this post? Like it was yesterday right? Well it turns out that I can project like you wouldn't believe. The mother of a woman I know goes to church with the widow and it seems shes not all torn up about her husbands death. In fact the only reason she put the sign up is because she didn't want people stopping by to ask why the decorations weren't up.

Furthermore she only really did the decorations all this time was because her husband wanted her to, in memory of their son who had died many years ago. So now there are two dead men who loved Christmas and that cranky old lady is ignoring thier wishes. Bitch. (Hey I told you, I can project like a mother fucker.)

Anyway, sorry for the moroseness, we will now return to our regularly scheduled . . um, whatever.