5 of of 7 tests agree. . . .

We are having another baby.  Around the beginning of June.  I felt pregnant.  I took a test and squealed.  I took another and got kinda giddy.   Later, after about a gallon of water, I took another.  Now, that one said no, but we are ignoring it becasue of said gallon of water.  The next morning I took another, and then went to the doctors for another 2.  One said yes, the other wasn't sure.  I was barely 5 weeks.  I took another a week later, yep, still pregnant.  I do have three more to take, just in case you were wondering.  Apparently I enjoy tests I can pee on.

Regardless, there will be a new baby.


Unless. .. .

Oh there are so many unless-es, the big ones are so scary and horrid and so many people have asked me if it's really wise to be telling people, you know, just in case.  To which I say, I have no idea about wisdom, I'm going with my heart.  I will tell everyone and everything.. . random tress and squirrels are going to hear about this baby.   Telling people makes it real, makes it a celebration instead of a fear.  I have so many fears, I need the balance that comes from seeing the misty overlay of joy that people get in there eyes when they hear someone is going to have a baby.

It is all so surreal.  Girl child took 3 years, a team of experts, tears, demoralizing invasive medical procedures and so much self loathing that I am amazed I made it out the other side.  This child took three weeks.  Which in medical terms means that the egg we made this baby from was being prepped before we even decided to try to make a baby.  No one gets pregnant in 3 weeks.  Let's not forget that I have PCOS.  I can't even wrap my head around it.

So many fears and insecurities that I thought I had dealt with with girl child are coming up again, plus an added bonus of a set of new fears I get to feel out.

Will I be a good mom?
Can I balance my time and attention well so that all my children feel loved and special?
Did I wait too long to have another?
Is the baby going to be healthy?
Can I really love another child like I love girl child?
Will my marriage be ok?
Will my husband still find me attractive after another child has wreaked havoc on my body?
Do I deserve this baby?

I worked so hard for girl child, I had to go through so much.  I knew I had earned her, earned the right to be her parent.  I do know that is not actually how it works, but it made sense in my head.  It was a way to justify all that I had to go through.  With this one, I just had some unprotected sex.  Too easy.  I just can't quite believe that something isn't going to come and take it away, decide I don't deserve it, didn't work hard enough for it.

The annoying twinges and aches low in my belly aren't helping either.

So that is where I am. . . pregnant again, but just barely.  Nervously thrilled. . . and hopeful.  We have decided though, that if girl child was a hard won prize, this child is a generously given gift.  That is a lovely feeling.

i think im in love

Here we go again.

I turned wrong today. . I have no idea which way is wrong, but however I did it today was apparently wrong.  The turning wrong hurt.  Low in my belly, near my thigh.  So I put my hand there and kinda pushed.  A person tends to do that when there is pain somewhere. 

I wish I hadn't though, because the lady at my counter smiles like the cat that got the cream. (not sure what that means - I'm pretty sure cream is hell on a cats digestive tract.)

Focus.

The lady smiles and asks how far along I am.  Which usually pisses me off because I assume it's a fat thing.  Which I'm not anymore.  I mean I'm not exactly where I want to be, but I slide right into my size 12 jeans and they are baggy halfway through the day.  So not fat.  Not thin, but not fat.

Right, focus.  Sorry.  I didn't get enough sleep last night.  I went to bed late and was awoken a few hours later by the sounds of what could only have been my neighbor reenacting the hunt scene from Lord of the Flies.  No one should wake up to the trashing squealing horror of a pig (or other sad animal) being slowly killed in some horrid ritual.

Still - not the point.  The point is the woman asking how far along I am. And this time I am pissed becasue I want to be.  And I am not.  At least I don't think I am.  I tell her that.   But the woman is in scrubs and she tells me that I am.  That it is a tendon thing created by pregnancy hormones.  Which, okay, yes it is.  And yes that happens sometimes when you are pregnant.  In fact it happened when I was pregnant.  Well, thank you lady, because now I am obsessing again.  Which I had not been since Thursday's therapy session.  When the therapist informed me that the cortisol that is released by stress can cause the body to decide it's not safe enough to have a baby.  Which explains why people who are to stupid to care how they are going to provide for their offspring be are the ones who can pop out a child every year like clockwork while the planners of the world are lucky to get one.

Idiocracy - some day an entire generation will realize how prophetic you are.  Except they won't know the word, or be deep enough to handle that type of thought process, so never mind.  You're just stuck being a crass and slightly depressing movie. 

Hi.  I'm back on topic again.  For a whole five days I have been working on my zen like state.  Which is exactly four days longer than I have ever worked on it before.  Then she went and stirred me up again.  Thanks for nothing you horrid nosy bitch.  In case you were wondering, gentle reader, unless you are equipped with a mobile sonogram machine, you have no business telling women they are pregnant.  You have no idea how hard it is for some of us, the months it takes, the tears, the pain, the self-doubt and loathing.  Unless you do know, in which case you should definitely behave better. 

So now that i have that off my chest, I am going to do some deep breathing, and get my positive outlook back.

ma-na-na-na-na. . . i can conceive. . . . ohm. . . i will conceive. . .

Actually, she didn't tell me how or what to say to get to that peaceful place, so lacking any real training is self actualization or new age touchy feely dogma, I am working with what I know, humor and a wicked sense of sarcasm.