5 of of 7 tests agree. . . .

We are having another baby.  Around the beginning of June.  I felt pregnant.  I took a test and squealed.  I took another and got kinda giddy.   Later, after about a gallon of water, I took another.  Now, that one said no, but we are ignoring it becasue of said gallon of water.  The next morning I took another, and then went to the doctors for another 2.  One said yes, the other wasn't sure.  I was barely 5 weeks.  I took another a week later, yep, still pregnant.  I do have three more to take, just in case you were wondering.  Apparently I enjoy tests I can pee on.

Regardless, there will be a new baby.


Unless. .. .

Oh there are so many unless-es, the big ones are so scary and horrid and so many people have asked me if it's really wise to be telling people, you know, just in case.  To which I say, I have no idea about wisdom, I'm going with my heart.  I will tell everyone and everything.. . random tress and squirrels are going to hear about this baby.   Telling people makes it real, makes it a celebration instead of a fear.  I have so many fears, I need the balance that comes from seeing the misty overlay of joy that people get in there eyes when they hear someone is going to have a baby.

It is all so surreal.  Girl child took 3 years, a team of experts, tears, demoralizing invasive medical procedures and so much self loathing that I am amazed I made it out the other side.  This child took three weeks.  Which in medical terms means that the egg we made this baby from was being prepped before we even decided to try to make a baby.  No one gets pregnant in 3 weeks.  Let's not forget that I have PCOS.  I can't even wrap my head around it.

So many fears and insecurities that I thought I had dealt with with girl child are coming up again, plus an added bonus of a set of new fears I get to feel out.

Will I be a good mom?
Can I balance my time and attention well so that all my children feel loved and special?
Did I wait too long to have another?
Is the baby going to be healthy?
Can I really love another child like I love girl child?
Will my marriage be ok?
Will my husband still find me attractive after another child has wreaked havoc on my body?
Do I deserve this baby?

I worked so hard for girl child, I had to go through so much.  I knew I had earned her, earned the right to be her parent.  I do know that is not actually how it works, but it made sense in my head.  It was a way to justify all that I had to go through.  With this one, I just had some unprotected sex.  Too easy.  I just can't quite believe that something isn't going to come and take it away, decide I don't deserve it, didn't work hard enough for it.

The annoying twinges and aches low in my belly aren't helping either.

So that is where I am. . . pregnant again, but just barely.  Nervously thrilled. . . and hopeful.  We have decided though, that if girl child was a hard won prize, this child is a generously given gift.  That is a lovely feeling.