re-reading your blog can make you realize you actually are growing

It is amazing what can happen in a year.  Which is just about when i wrote this.  Ok, so my crazy detail oriented mind won't let this go without acknowledging that it was actually almost 14 months ago.  Which really ruins the dramatic effect and makes the whole thing far to wordy.

Not the point.  I never stay on point though. . my counselor says I have ADHD, which I'm sure I do, but I'm not really interesting in doing anything about it at this point.  Instead let's revisit my concerns of a year (14 months) ago.

i have a small two bedroom house, which i don't want to leave.  Check you later little house.  You are walls and a roof and no matter how much I like you, there will be a house that fits my family better, another house to make memories of and grow into.

i work so much. Ok, this one still unnerves me some, but we will make it work.  I will get more staff if I can afford it and I will simplify the business as much as I can.

our quality of life would change. We will adapt.  It's true there will be another person to provide for but we will be fine.

baby sitters would be harder to find.  Girl child goes to sleepovers now and gets invited to peoples houses all the time.  She is a six year old social butterfly.  So with some planning we can get a sitter for baby child at the same times, or take baby child with us.  No biggie.

the age difference would be so great between them.  I do fell twinges of sadness for that sometimes, but really, it is outweighed by the joy of sharing the experience with her, and in knowing that each child will go through baby and toddlerhood without having to fight for attention.  Plus girl child is so sweet and loving to baby child, rubs my belly. . talks in a secret language to her/him.  I wouldn't change it at all.

life is so easy now.  Yes.  But a little too empty.

i don't want to go through those kind of changes again. I am still not looking forward to the wear and tear on an already slightly older model body, but when you see the little fuzzy blur of movement that is a sonogram, your heart fills so full that you know it won't matter.

i didn't want sex for almost 2 years after wards but i did it anyway which meant 2 years of awkward sex. Maybe if I am really good I will work out a bit and actually not hate my body.  Maybe postpartum won't be so bad.  Either way we will get through it.  At least I will have something to discuss in therapy.

i am not that patient. No, I am not, but love helps you learn.  Even if I never become the calm unflappable mom of my dreams, I have six years of proof that says a little cranky every so often can still lend itself to raising kind compassionate wonderful human beings.

another dinner to make, bath to get, cold to nurse, teeth to brush, questions to answer, voice to listen to. All of those things sound so much better than they did.  Perspective is a funny thing. 

it took so long and so many people to get baby girl, i don't know if how much my reasons for saying no have to do with not wanting to go through all that again.  the blood work, the indignity, the disappointment.  the being made to feel like less of a woman.  Turns out I was right.  I have little fear, little worry, little anything but a big peaceful feeling that this is right and that it was time for this baby.

Well. . . unless the hormones are running wild, but I don't count those times.

. . . sigh . . .