1. I was first attracted your (personality, smile, laugh, wit, etc. . .). - How long from the time you met until had sex? Less than the time it takes to count how many Starbucks are in your town? It was your body. Don't ask me how, I don't get it either but trust me, women can make love to wit, men make love to bodies and sex appeal.
2. You do not look fat. - You probably do, or at least fat in comparison to when you first met him. And if you met him and then suddenly got fit and trim, then you have it all wrong.
3. I like your friends. - He doesn't. Unless he wants to sleep with them. Or if they are lesbians. Men love lesbians. Twice the fantasy.
4. I love spending time with your family. - If his is relatively normal he's much rather be with them. The only reason he might want to be around yours is either because they absorb some of the crazy you sling, or because hes trying to figure out where all that crazy is coming from and how hes supposed to deal with it.
5. I would love to go shopping with you. - Nope. He'd rather be getting a root canal. Unless he is gay. Or metro sexual, which is just like gay but without the ability to commit to the idea of another dick in his life.
6. You look as lovely as the day I met you. - Unless you met him yesterday, or perhaps shortly after a freak traumatic accident, you do not look as lovely as the day he met you. You are older, wrinkly-er, saggier and softer. Unless you are not, in which case, go to hell. (You are, I peeked) It's ok though, because he is older and wrinkly-er too. And you somehow don't see it. I'm sure it's the same for him.
Did you just tell me that your husband doesn't like me?
ReplyDeleteman, and i thought i was being subtle enough that you wouldn't catch on. . . actually i think you may fall under the exception for that particular lie
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