So I lied to my husband today. I haven't for 9 months. And I lie like breathing. I lie when I'm cornered. I lie when I'm scared. And I was both. I just don't want to fight anymore. And when he's like that it's hard to believe that the truth will set me free. But he is not the only thing that has taught me to respond to him that way. I grew up that way. We all lie in my family, and we cover each others lies. We all know we are lying and we don't care. And it is hard, when you grow up that way, to stop. It's how you smooth things over. It's how you stay safe.
I felt that twinge. A part of me knew it was a bad idea, that it was wrong. Another part says that if he wasn't acting like a suspicious ass, I wouldn't have. Yet a whole other part of me knows that if we hadn't had all those problems last year that he wouldn't be acting this way now. But today he told me it feels like that all over.
So when I logged into my Xbox profile by mistake I turned it off and rebooted it to get into his. That is were Neflix is. He came around the corner fast as hell, asking why I turned off Xbox. And I panicked. I told him I had logged into the ex's child's profile by mistake. Such a simple lie. I just didn't want to have THAT conversation. The why didn't you want me to see your profile conversation.
Which I could have cared less about. There is nothing on any of my profiles worth hiding. I just wanted to get to Nextflix. And I didn't want to fight. But he checked on his phone. He saw that I had logged in. So we had that fight anyway. And I can't decide what pisses me off more. The fact that I have to be so transparent that he doesn't need to worry, or the fact that even still he thinks I'm up to something. I did admit to the lie though. For me that is progress. But I didn't get any credit for that. And I think I should. *sigh*
That something off he mentions is a combination of work stress, PMS, a cold, and a lack of good sex. None of which is his fault. None of which is mine. Life just happens that way sometimes. But three weeks is a long time for us to roll with the punches. Especially with the rocky year we had. But I told him I was going to give this my all, and I meant it. And I have been. And damn, people make mistakes. Especially when they are sick, and hurting and sexually frustrated and stressed.
This just cannot be the straw. It is to fucking stupid.
Sometimes I am an idiot.
Love you dear.
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