Today I . . .

Was productive at work.

Had an actual appetite.

Learned some really interesting truths about myself in counseling.

Went to belly dance class by myself.

Had receptive conversations with all three children while guiding them through things they did not want to do.

So in short, today I was focused, centered, introspective, brave and compassionate.  I am my hero.

I related news, a relatively sane looking drunk/druggie on some random street corner pointed me out to his friend and asked if that was what God looked like.  His friend looked me up and down and said he sure hoped so.  The first guy said he bet God would be a woman and that if so she would look like me.

I can't decide if I should burn or bronze this outfit.

It seems I am not my toughest critic

I started therapy today, which might shock those that kinda know me.  Those that really know me of course will be shocked that I haven't started sooner.  I was going to tell you all about it, all being the three of you, of course, but then tonight just sucked and I'd rather talk about that.  I think the grammar police should arrest that previous sentence.  I think a semi colon may belong in there, but I never can remember.  If someone smarter than me rolls across this post, feel free to edit it.  Leave the rest of the post alone though, I'm happy with it.

So today the girl child had swim lessons, after which I asked if she wanted to go to our local outdoor market.  She loves going and even though it was late I figured it would be fun.  As soon as she got there the smell of kettle corn hit us.  Once some friends were with us and we had a few kernels and she has been in love ever since.  We can't eat more than a handful of kettle corn, we don't do well with sugar.  They only sell huge bags and so we never get it.  She asked for awhile last year and we explained it and she understands.  It still hurts her little heart though, which in turn hurts mine.  Still, I refuse to spend 8.00 on a small handful of corn, only to give he rest to some stranger.

So that's the back story on the corn.  Tonight as we walked past girl child said, "Mommy, I'm not saying this just because, but I was going to ask, because you know, I just had swim, and I was hoping. . "  At which I had to interrupt in order to save my brain from exploding.  I think she gets her liberal use of commas from me.  I asked her to please just ask what she wanted to ask.  She blurts out, "I'm feeling snacky"  To which I replied, "I'm sure you are, swim always makes you hungry."  We had a discussion on just asking for what she wants during which she informed me that she just didn't want to make me mad 'cause I would think she was asking for the kettle corn.  I told her that even if I did think that that she had a right to tell me I was wrong.

Later she rolled her finger up in the window.  Because she was playing with it.  Because shes 6 and they do these things.  Which caused another launch of stuttering apologies for doing what kids do.  "I thought you'd be mad 'cause you told me not to put my fingers in the window when I roll it up?"  Yep, I actually had the forethought to cover that one.  "I just wanted to see what would happen."  Well now you know.  I told that every child has rolled their finger in a window or shut a door on themselves and that I wasn't mad, just sorry she was hurt.   After much hugging and thoughtful inspection of the bruised finger she was calmed.  Until she had to buckle back into the car.  Which caused another lovely conversation involving how I always tell her that she was fine a few minutes ago when she starts crying again.

I probably do.  Most parents do.  It's so hard to get them calm in the first place and it often leaves me raw.  I hate when she's sad.  I feel horrible and wretched.  We will work on that in therapy I think.   For tonight I told her that she could always cry if she needed to, and that I was sorry if my words made her feel like she couldn't.  She told me again that she just felt like I was always mad at her.  So again I'm a bad mom.

I carry her to the house, help her brush her teeth and lay her down to bed.  I lay next to her with an ice pack and try to explain that I will get angry, that everyone gets angry, especially when people around then make bad choices.  She says she understands.  I ask her how many times I was angry today.  After some thought shes says once.  Once?  Now math was not my best subject, but a day full of interactions and I was angry once?  That does not seem like always.  Or even often.  It's nice to know that she holds me to an even higher standard than I hold myself.  As if I'm not hard enough to deal with.

I should teach Bible Study.

I know. . I've been gone.  But then only like 3 people read this, so really it's ok.  Where have I been?  Doing all the things I was doing when I was blogging, only without the blogging.  Oh and I'm having a crisis of lack of faith.  As in, I'm considering believing.  Which made this little exchange I'm about to describe, really, really awkward. (The two really's show I mean business)      

We were at some store looking for a new puzzle or game to do as a family.  -Oh yeah, we are playing games together almost every day.  It is wonderful and I feel all fuzzy for it, but I'm sick of the 5 games we actually play.   So, we're looking for good games and puzzles and I see that baby girl is looking kinda distressed over this puzzle.  I figure it's some Barbie thing that she knows I won't let her get.  I usually let it go, she knows the rules and i don't need to rub it in.  She won't stop staring though, with her sad little face, so I take a peek.  

Instead of a garish image of all that a girl will never grow up to be, I see a very graphic rendition of the crucifixion.  I wasn’t sure what to do.  She saw me peek, frowned even more and then stuffed the box behind some others.  I asked her if she was ok.  She nodded and hugged my leg.   She said she didn’t like that box.  She said she was sad that someone had hurt that man

I wasn’t sure what to tell her, I don’t really know if I believe but I don’t want to stop her from trying to either.

So I took a slow breath and then said something really close to this. 

"There was a man named Jesus, who lived a very long time ago before most people had learned to treat each other with respect.  He was very kind and he wanted people to be peaceful and happy. A lot of people felt that he had great answers to their questions and so they looked up to him. Some other people who had power didn't want to share it with Jesus and when he would not stop trying to help people they became very angry and killed him.

Even though it hurt he didn’t mind because he believed that he would go to a place called heaven and feel no pain, only love and peace.  Even though that picture is of something very ugly and mean, people used it to remember what can happen if we cannot live with peace and understanding for each other."

Not bad for a life long atheist huh? 

No guilt on the first born being a ‘sinner’? –Check.

No telling her what is truth? –Check

Keeping the ugly far enough away that he can rest easy at night? – Check.

Oh, and I didn't beat whoever did the puzzle display.  I mean, I'm not quite sure who may or may not be watching me.